Tuesday, June 28, 2011

I hate being angry

“Consider how much more you often suffer from your anger and grief, than from those very
things for which you are angry and grieved.”

I suck at being angry, I really do. It's not something I can, or want to, sustain because it eats me alive. I guess my problem really is with holding grudges. I can be angry and find a way to vent it (there's always the gym) but I hate to have things unresolved, lingering, without a way to solve them. That's when they start to poison my life and block me from moving forward. There's always that little thing, that doesn't seem like much, but that is just there, getting in my way every time I want to make a move.

I usually say I couldn't hold a grudge if I was paid to do it, and that's true. Those who know me well will just let me flare up, leave me alone and know that by the time we meet again, I'll have forgotten about it. My husband has raised this to an art form. Something will happen, and it's time for him to do the dishes, go to the store, take the dog out, or whatever it is that he can do to get away and give me time to forget that something made me angry.

There are very few events in my life which had me hold grudges for more than a few hours (which is REALLY long for me). Those are time when I wasn't so much angry, but hurt. Each times has been about people I really cared about and looked up to, who made it clear that I wasn't lovable enough, intelligent enough, or simply just not good enough. I think those have dug so deep because they came at times where I was feeling very unsure already and felt like the guillotine had just come down.

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”
~Eleanor Roosevelt

There is no way you can ever be good enough for everybody. Often, people will look for somebody to blame for their own failures, sometimes people misunderstood or just don't understand where you are coming from. Sometimes you made a mistake and it got out of hand. No matter what the deal is, hanging on to grudges, anger and hurt only hurts you. There are two way out of this: let it go, or get away.

Mind you, both are valid, it just depends on what the situation is. There are things that are just not worth holding a grudge about. The idea of "don't sweat the small stuff" is a recipe for social and professional success (not to mention sanity!). You have to be able to learn what there is to be learned from a bad situation and then let it go. At worst, agree to disagree and make the best of a bad situation until an acceptable compromise can be met.

There are times though, when you either can't let it go, or when you know it's just an on going thing that will never end. If you know you can't right the wrongs, and that you can't live happily in a given situation, why bother? Looking at educations out here, this is why I have put my teaching career on hold, because I knew I would spend all of my time fighting the system, and the changes that are just not in the best interest of the students and the teachers alike. Facing the students, day after day, knowing that you don't have the tools, the resources to give them what they need is very depressing and exhausting. Trying to fight a losing battle is the best way to just run straight into a burn out.

No matter how passionate you are about something, you have to learn to let it go. You owe it to yourself, and to your loved ones, to know when to back away and look for another path. Either personally or professionally. There is nobody in this world that you can't live without. It might seem like it at a given moment, but when the situation is such that you can't live with it anymore, you will find that you can very well live without him or her.

No matter how paying or rewarding a job is, there is no job that you can't replace. It might be at a loss money-wise, it might mean turning your back on years of building up your place in a company, but you can always restart, reinvent yourself.

There is nothing, and nobody, who is worth your happiness, your self worth, and your peace of mind. There is nothing, and nobody, that is worth neglecting your loved one for.

There is nothing, and nobody, worth living in a constant state of anger, stress and hurt.

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