I'm here, I'm here!

“Sitting quietly, doing nothing, spring comes, and the grass grows by itself”

Zen Proverb

Today I did absolutely nothing productive. I think it's the first day in months that I just sit around and do nothing. It's a weird feeling, all morning I was trying to think of something productive to do. I washed my clothes that needs hand washing. Then I started on the kitchen and realized that there was no reason why I HAVE TO be doing something productive. I'm on vacation for the week. Stop already!

I decided to look into my jewelry boxes to see what I had. As I looked through, I found my pentagram necklace. Not only I didn't know where it was, I had forgotten I had it. This has been an anchor to me the last few years, reminding me of how important it is to keep connected to myself, to what's truly important to me.

This is a good image of how things have been lately. It seems that everything that was dear to me was put aside for the sake of speed and productivity. The passing of people who were very dear to me almost went unnoticed as, tired and overwhelmed I didn't dare stop and feel for fear that it would stop me in my tracks. I remember telling my husband: "I don't have time to be sad, there is work to be done." So one by one, things started falling aside.

That is until today when sitting in my living room with nothing to do I realize how wrong this all is. I have no clue where my music went. I think it failed to make the transit from my old laptop to my new one, more than a year ago. I don't remember what jewelry I have, by the time I'm showered, dressed and make-uped, it's more than time to run out, I have a necklace or two that I never really put away and that's about it.

These are trivial things, superficial reminders of what truly is the root of the problem: I have let myself fall at the bottom of the priority list once again. My only saving grace is my husband; always there for me, supportive and loving, reminding me gently that I am not superwoman, that I need to take care of myself. His patience and support are often the only things that keeps me going.

He called from work today, asking what I was up to. When I guiltily admitted that I was doing nothing he just said "Good! I'm glad that you are taking time to do nothing!" How cool is that?

Some women get chocolate for Valentine's day, some women even get diamonds. I have my gift every day and it's so much more than things: I have a lover, a partner, a supporter and a best friend... EVERYDAY.

This week is my week off, I had grand plans to go shopping, to get the apartment organized, to get everything cleaned. I had plans to do a month of work in a week. My husband is taking time off also, and yes we will get some stuff done, but it's a vacation, and I will do what "I" need for "myself". It is no crime, it is not even wrong. Damn it I deserve it!

I have my pentagram hanging from my neck, my husband at my side and I will rest and relax because that's what I need and that's what I want. Now if I can find my MP3 player and download that Eminem song that I like so much...

"I'm about to lose my mind

You've been gone for so long

I'm running out of time

I need a doctor

Call me a doctor

I need a doctor, doctor

To bring me back to life..."

(Eminem, Dr Dre)