This morning I flew out of San Francisco toward Montreal. My Mom and my big brother were coming there too, and my little brother lives there already. A big get together. Too bad my Dad couldn't make it, but still a fun week in the works!
On the plane this morning I was thinking about that, and about how I was really looking forward to this. It is strange to me because I'm always looking forward to seeing my family. I'm not in California because I ran away, I just happen to live there. I'm close to my brothers even if we don't talk nearly as much as we should, and I have a good time with my parents too. We've worked out the kinks and hositilities of years past and mostly get along. More importantly we've learned to smooth our way past the little frictions that crop up here and there. I think those are part of any family relations really... right?
So why is this time special? Why am I so eager to see them? What's so different?
As a teenager, I was the "problem child", the wild one in the family. My brothers were good little boy and I, well, was a girl, and not always soo good. It didn't help that I sort of lost my way at school for a few years, I didn't quite drop out, but I attended school in body only for a few years. Now that's a nice way to put it!
Finally I decided to straighten up and actually go to school mind and body. I did and succeeded, YAY! Honestly though, my life was sort of a mess. Everytime I visited with my family, there was always a sense that I wasn't quite as "on track" as I should be. It just kept feeling that way too:
After a lot of work, and a few kicks in the behind, I straightened out my life, and finishes my first BA in college. I MADE IT! right? Well... my man was a mess really, and I had a BA, but not much going on other than that.
I enrolled back in college and started over. Graduated again, ended a bad relationship, found a new man (or hefound me? I wasn't looking!), started teaching got married. "OMG did you see yourself? you are huge!"
Lost weight, got healthy, started helping other people with their weight loss. Well that's nice, but aren't you ever going to get a "real job" and what do you mean "no kids" you're not going to have kids? why? No job, no kids, what are you good for?
I've always felt like no matter how much I tried, it wasn't ever enough. Honestly most of those comments wereprobably in my head rather than spoken out loud, though many were strongly hinted at. I'm sure that there will be comments this time around too, but it just doesn't bother me as much anymore. For some reason I realize that I don't deserve them so...
I'm 36 years old, I am not nuclear scientist, but I have a decent full time job that I enjoy and is meaningful to me. My husband and I made the decision not to have kids, and though I'm not saying I never question it, I can assume the weight of that decision. That decision is between him and I, no one else.
We sat down last year and decided what we wanted our life to be and made the changes we needed to make to have the life we chose and you know what? It works!
I am "on track now". On the track that I chose for myself. Dan didn't tell me what to do and where to go, neither did Mom or anyone else. I made my own choices, walked my way toward them, and frankly my life is pretty damn good at this point. I have nothing to hide, nothing to prove so I can look at every member of my family straight in the eye and feel like I'm at least as worthy as any of them.
Let's get playin' and laughin' and shoppin'! That's what we came here for anyway!