It's only a dog

“By ourselves we can enjoy life, but to really appreciate 

life we must find companionship”

~Anonymous

I grew up surrounded with animals. My father owned what he calls a farm, 3 cows, 6 chickens, a few bunnies, as a teacher he didn't have time for more. Still it was enough for us to learn about life, play with a lot of kittens, try to make friends with chicks (I did have a pet hen for a while, followed me around like a dog!). We learned to treat animals right, and to be responsible for those put in our care. I also grew up in a community that lives off nature's bounty. Fishing is the main industry and hunting (duck and seal) is part of the local order of things. Because of the fragility of the resources, it has always been part of the general discourse how important it is to protect the resources, and to respect nature. We also learned very young to distrust the fanatics who use misinformation and propaganda to bully small populations who do not have the same PR abilities.. but I'm straying here!

I had dogs most of my life, and after a bad experience with an aggressive dog which I failed at retraining, but loved very dearly, I promised myself I would never grow close to a dog again. To me, it was just not worth the heartbreak. I had cats, 2 of them, who followed me from East Canada to California and made my days, hum, interesting. You know what though? As much as I love cats, they are not the same as a dog. They can be aloof, ignore you when you need them the most. In the city, they are also confined to the apartment.

About 7 years ago, one of my cat passed away and I started roaming around the shelters to see if I could give a home to a new little kitty. The only problem was, I kept ending up in the dog kennels. I realized I really missed having a dog. I knew it was going to be hard to convince my husband, so I started looking for the "perfect dog". It took months! Finally, after looking up all the Shelters in Marin and Sonoma County, I found her at the Marine Human Society in Novato. Having sold pets before, I knew how to "make the sale" to my husband. "Just come look at her, that's all I'm asking". He did, in a kennel full of hyper barking dogs, "Greta" was sitting quietly looking through the bars with a little "please take me out of here" look. The following morning my husband called the shelter to ask them to hold her for him until the end of his workday.  Greta became Grace (because I thought she looked like Grace Kelly all dignified and sweet), and she became part of our family.

I spent hours training Grace. She was a slow learner, mainly because she has the attention span of a goldfish, but as I spent time with her, I discovered she had the sweetest temperament I'd ever seen in a dog. Grace is a lover, she is also very careful. One time, in the early days, I had spread paperwork all over the floor to organize it when my husband walked in with her. "Great!" I though, there goes my paperwork. Grace walked through the living room being very careful not to step on any of my stuff on the floor. That's just how she is, very sweet and respectful. Many times with animals and kids, she will sit back and patiently give them time to get used to her. I did not train those traits into her, she came with them!

Slowly, my "She's a dog, nothing more" attitude melted. Grace just has this uncanny way of growing on you, and I'm not just talking about how she takes all the space on the couch. She seems to be very good at reading a situation and adapting to it. When I'm feeling sad, or lonely, she's an expert cuddler. She has this calm way of just looking at you like she's looking straight into your soul and understand what's going on in there. Often better than I do. When I'm busy, she's happy with just sleeping with Leo, her best buddy ever. When my husband takes her to work, she behaves in such a way that everybody there seems to just love her. She's not only good at being quiet! Grace is the perfect adventure partner. She took my "lets take pictures in stairs" and all my "lets decorate the dog" attacks with patience if not enthusiasm. She's a great walking/running partner and is always more than happy to hit the beach.

She's goofy, she's funny, she can make you laugh or help you calm down. She has a way of just being there, patiently, not judging, not second guessing what you do or say. She never holds grudges, or blames you for having a moody day. No matter how impatient I am, she's always right there, ready for a cuddle, a minute of hyperactivity or a run.

She might "just be a dog" to some of you, but to me she's more than that. Grace is my buddy, the one I can turn to when everything goes wrong because I know she doesn't care about money, the future, about the mistakes I make or how righteous, or not, the decisions I'm making are.

All this to say that when I spend time with her, I can forget everything else because when I watch her run on the beach ears flapping in the wind, sniff every piece of seaweed she comes across, run to me for a quick cuddle before she runs off again, when I watch her do all those things and more all is right with the world.

So what if I'm not a Mom?

“No one else can ever make your choices for you. Your choices are yours alone. They are as much a part of you as every breath you will take, every moment of your life.”

~Dr. Shad Helmstetter

There I said it: I'm not, and will not be, a Mom. If that indeed make me less of a woman, then so be it. No I do not hate kids, I find whiny kids with no manners annoying. I love the sound of kids playing, I love to play with kids, I think I could be a good mother, and I think my husband would be a fantastic father. I have half convinced myself of the contrary because I know motherhood isn't in my future, so why torture myself?

You see, I married a man who has always been very clear from day one that kids were not part of his future. He doesn't want the stress and responsibilities that come with having kids. He even resisted to having a dog, for the same reason. He absolutely adores Grace, but he made it clear that once Grace is gone, another dog wasn't a priority. It's not like he surprised me on our wedding day with "Oh by the way we're not going to have kids". He's always been very clear and upfront about it and I decided when we first "got serious" that I could live with that.

Now in my late 30s, with the biological clock ticking loudly, I have my moments where I worry I might be passing on something big. I know I am, but I made the decision to accept it. I love my husband deeply, and would not dream of leaving him. I know what I was getting into from the get go, so it would be unfair of me to try and change his mind now. What's left? A friend of mind suggested "accidentally" getting pregnant on the idea that he would not walk if that happened. I know he wouldn't, but even the thought that it could be an option for anybody boggles the mind. It's so many kind of wrong, I can't even imagine doing something like that.

The thing is, I don't need to. Yeah I'm probably missing something, but it's my choice, and really I can live with it. It's everybody around me who seem to have a problem with it. I get very tired of the whole "You don't know what's you're missing" or "You're going to regret this one day", not to mention the little condescending looks and comments I get every time the subject of kids come up. I know in the mind of some people around me, I'm much less of a woman because I don't have kids. I sure loved the "You don't teach, you don't have kids, what good are you?"

I also get very tired of people explaining everything I do away with "Oh well, you don't have kids". As if that simple fact took all value out of every one of my achievements.

• I lost weight: Oh well, you didn't have to deal with a post-pregnancy body.
• I work out: You don't have kids in the way.
• I like to experiment with cooking: Yeah, but you don't have to deal with picky kids.
• I make lunchboxes: You wouldn't have time to do this if you had kids.
• I see a show: You didn't have to find a baby sitter.
• I blog: Without kids you have too much time on your hands.

Tell me, if kids are that much of a bother, why on earth are you trying so hard to convince me to have some? Truly I understand that there are things I will never experience. I will never have the joy of holding my newborn in my arms, to see the first smile, the first steps. I will never have the pride of my kid doing well at something. I will never have a "Thank you Mom" from a graduating son or daughter of mine. I am keenly aware of that, but not having kids also have advantages.

I talked about the joys I will miss, but what about the worries? I will never have a teenager wrap my car around a tree. I will never wake up at 3am to realize that my 14 years old hasn't made it home yet. I will never have the cops come to my door to explain that my kid did... I will never have to try to figure out a kid who doesn't understand himself/herself and keep them on the right track in the face of all the eye rolls, the "I hate you!" and the "Whatev!". I will never have to sit in front of a teacher to hear something like "Your kid is full of potential but is headed toward disaster". I will never have to explain to the love of my life that, yeah I know you worked hard to make the team, but we can't afford it just now. The list goes on, and on...

On a more selfish side of things, my apartment is mine. If I want to have sex on the kitchen counter at 2 in the afternoon, I can. I will not traumatize anyone for life by doing so. If I want to walk around naked, I can. All I have to do is close the blinds. If we want to sleep in, nobody is up at 5:30 wailing for breakfast (ok, the cats are, but they have learned to get lost and wait). If we want to go out, we crate the dog and go. It is illegal, immoral and just plain wrong to crate your kids.

On a practical standpoint, if we both lose our jobs, all we have to do is pack up and leave. We don't have to worry about schools, feeding kids, anything. It's just us we have to worry about, and we're both fully grown, educated and resourceful, thus we are both part of the solution rather than added baggage. Financial breakdown means the two of us have to start over, it doesn't mean that we just destroyed an offspring chance for the dreamed of future.

I do love kids, I do think I could have been a good mother and that my husband would have been a great father. We chose differently. It was our choice to make, and we are living with the pros and the cons of that decision. Yes, every time a friend has a baby and shares the pictures, joys, stories, I get a little sad, and I wonder for a moment if I made the right choice. When I play with my 3 years old nephew, or watch him play the guitar (that is freakin' hilarious!) on Skype, I wonder if a little crazy of my own would make my life richer.

Whatever I'm losing by not having kids, I'm gaining by having my husband in my life, by having time and freedom to do things that would be much harder to do if I had kids. I don't have the love of a little one, but I also don't have the worries, the responsibilities of someone's future other than my own.

Oh, and I think that being a woman is much more than popping out kids. At 37 years old I don't think I have to justify myself and yet somehow I am.

I'm not a Mom, that is true, but I'm all woman honey! So there!

I hate being angry

“Consider how much more you often suffer from your anger and grief, than from those very

things for which you are angry and grieved.”

I suck at being angry, I really do. It's not something I can, or want to, sustain because it eats me alive. I guess my problem really is with holding grudges. I can be angry and find a way to vent it (there's always the gym) but I hate to have things unresolved, lingering, without a way to solve them. That's when they start to poison my life and block me from moving forward. There's always that little thing, that doesn't seem like much, but that is just there, getting in my way every time I want to make a move.

I usually say I couldn't hold a grudge if I was paid to do it, and that's true. Those who know me well will just let me flare up, leave me alone and know that by the time we meet again, I'll have forgotten about it. My husband has raised this to an art form. Something will happen, and it's time for him to do the dishes, go to the store, take the dog out, or whatever it is that he can do to get away and give me time to forget that something made me angry.

There are very few events in my life which had me hold grudges for more than a few hours (which is REALLY long for me). Those are time when I wasn't so much angry, but hurt. Each times has been about people I really cared about and looked up to, who made it clear that I wasn't lovable enough, intelligent enough, or simply just not good enough. I think those have dug so deep because they came at times where I was feeling very unsure already and felt like the guillotine had just come down.

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

~Eleanor Roosevelt

There is no way you can ever be good enough for everybody. Often, people will look for somebody to blame for their own failures, sometimes people misunderstood or just don't understand where you are coming from. Sometimes you made a mistake and it got out of hand. No matter what the deal is, hanging on to grudges, anger and hurt only hurts you. There are two way out of this: let it go, or get away.

Mind you, both are valid, it just depends on what the situation is. There are things that are just not worth holding a grudge about. The idea of "don't sweat the small stuff" is a recipe for social and professional success (not to mention sanity!). You have to be able to learn what there is to be learned from a bad situation and then let it go. At worst, agree to disagree and make the best of a bad situation until an acceptable compromise can be met.

There are times though, when you either can't let it go, or when you know it's just an on going thing that will never end. If you know you can't right the wrongs, and that you can't live happily in a given situation, why bother? Looking at educations out here, this is why I have put my teaching career on hold, because I knew I would spend all of my time fighting the system, and the changes that are just not in the best interest of the students and the teachers alike. Facing the students, day after day, knowing that you don't have the tools, the resources to give them what they need is very depressing and exhausting. Trying to fight a losing battle is the best way to just run straight into a burn out.

No matter how passionate you are about something, you have to learn to let it go. You owe it to yourself, and to your loved ones, to know when to back away and look for another path. Either personally or professionally. There is nobody in this world that you can't live without. It might seem like it at a given moment, but when the situation is such that you can't live with it anymore, you will find that you can very well live without him or her.

No matter how paying or rewarding a job is, there is no job that you can't replace. It might be at a loss money-wise, it might mean turning your back on years of building up your place in a company, but you can always restart, reinvent yourself.

There is nothing, and nobody, who is worth your happiness, your self worth, and your peace of mind. There is nothing, and nobody, that is worth neglecting your loved one for.

There is nothing, and nobody, worth living in a constant state of anger, stress and hurt.

Love is not for wusses

“A loving relationship is one in which the loved one is free to be himself -- to laugh with me, but never at me; to cry with me, but never because of me; to love life, to love himself, to love being loved. Such a relationship is based upon freedom and can never grow in a jealous heart.”
~ Leo F. Buscaglia

Today I was sitting close to two teenagers on the bus and they were discussing love, and boys. One girl was telling the other what made a guy a "good boyfriend" and what makes a guy a "bad boyfriend". I don't remember the details, but I just kept shaking my head and wondering "Was I ever that naive?"

Of course I was... I remember thinking that the man I was going to marry would be handsome, always in a good mood, he would be rich, and spend most of his time either doing something for me, or admiring me. Being around him would always be joyful and romantic HA! Over 20 years later, and with my feathers ruffled (or torn off) a few times, I have another vision of love and what it is supposed to be. Do I still believe in love? More than ever! I just have a more realistic view of the whole concept I think.

I can see a few eye rolls, and hear a few "Oh come on, you HAVE a fairy tale". See, I AM lucky, and I AM spoiled. My husband is fantastic, he's supportive and loving, he's on my side in anything that I chose to do, or not to do. I have a fabulous husband and I appreciate him. He's not perfect though, neither am I!

My husband is moody, he likes his space, and he can happily sit there, not saying anything for 3 hours. He's also the world's worst communicator. He once told me that putting make up on my face was a waste of time, "it won't change your face anyway". He later explained that he meant to say I was beautiful without the make up... huh huh.. whatever. He's also the most stubborn person I have ever EVER met. I do not back up easily, but I will back up eventually. He once told me that he had not said something wrong, it was me who had not heard it correctly…

I, on the other hand am the queen of mood swings. I can be laughing hysterically one minute, and totally discouraged the next. I get bored on average every 3-4 minutes. I love to talk a lot, I cannot stand to be on my own, and I feel a deep seated need to talk things out ad nauseum. I know it drives my husband crazy, but I just can’t help myself. I do not feel the need to be right at all cost, but I do need for things to make sense to me, and if they don’t I will keep at it until they do… Did I mention that I have an enormous amount of energy? I can keep going for days! Poor husband!

Here’s where I’m going with this: We are deeply in love with each others. I adore my husband, I know he’s the man of my life, and still some days he exasperate me to the point of insanity. I know it’s the same thing the other way around. There is no such thing as a perfect mate, and there is no such things as a perfect relationship.

I had to learn that sometimes he doesn’t feel like listening to my stories, and that’s ok. It’s not an insult, it’s not that he doesn’t care about me, it’s just that if he never puts his foot down, I will never run out of stories. Sometimes he just wants time for himself, to recharge his batteries, and to just do nothing. I had to swallow my boredom and accept the fact that his needs are at least as important as mine. I also had to learn to accept that he’s not the world’s best communicator, and to not take everything that doesn’t come out quite the right way as an insult. I had to remember that it’s not always about me. *blush*

On the other hand, he has learned to voice his needs, actually tells me what he wants, instead of just getting annoyed at me for not somehow getting it by osmosis. He has learned that if what he says doesn’t go through quite right, maybe it’s not that I’m looking for troubles, but rather that his communication skills might have failed him again. He has learned that 1 word is not a sentence, that I need the whole thing to know what he means.

Little by little, one thing at a time, we’ve worked out ways to deal with our differences, and each other’s quirks so that we can coexist in a peaceful loving relationship. It took 9 years! And we’re still learning! There are still quite a few face off, we are both dramatic and strong willed, but we have learned to talk things out, to take a step back, to put aside our pride and work together to make things work. There have been many times in the last 9 years at which it would have been easy to call it quits. Financial issues, personal differences, professional stress getting between the two of us. We didn’t though, we love and trust each others enough to know that it’s worth fighting for.

There has to be selflessness, an ability to see beyond your own self and put yourself in the other’s shoes trusting that the other person is doing the same thing. That means opening yourself to being very vulnerable, and that can be frightening. It is a lot of work to make a relationship successful, you have to put your ego aside and risk being hurt, at the same time you have to remember to take care of yourself and stand on your own two feet. It’s a tough balance to maintain.

Are there days where I wish I had a more expressive husband? Of course! A smooth talker might not have his quiet loving way of looking at me though. Are there days I wish he wasn’t so stubborn? Yeah, but then maybe he wouldn’t have this strength of character that I admire so much. I’m sure there are days he wishes he had a more laid back wife. With two quiet people in the house though, life would be so dull!!

I once heard somebody explain that love isn’t about finding someone with no faults, but rather finding someone who’s faults you can live with. I agree!

In fear and in love of my beautiful city

http://www.emmiebee.com/2009/10/09/in-just-a-few-days/

“Civilization is hideously fragile and there's not much between us and the horrors underneath, just about a coat of varnish.” ~Carrie P. Snow

Like everybody else, I've been riveted to the TV, watching footage of what's happening in Japan. Earthquake, tsunami, volcano, nuclear emergency, it seems that the very universe is bent on bringing Japan down. Yet the Japanese people remain calm, stoic, they seem to take this all with a courage and a determination that is greatly humbling. Even Diane Sawyer with her dramatic arm waving could not drum up a panic among those poor people. That woman makes my teeth itch...

Here in the US it's a whole different matter. Yesterday some nut called KGO on the afternoon show to proudly announce that she was not panicking or anything, but she had packed up some seaweed (????) and was running north to be with her loved ones to wait for the apocalypse. People after people were calling to explain how they were loading up on Iodine, salt (???) and other "emergency supplies".

Closer to me, a few people admitted thinking seriously about leaving San Francisco. This did give me some pause. San Francisco IS a time bomb, we all know it. We have the San Andreas fault running right under us (South SF that is) or close by. Hayward is really not that far, and numerous smaller faults are running all around us, and despite all the rumors, myths and guesses, nobody knows when the "big one" is going to happen.

I've been thinking about that, wondering if really it was worth the risk. There IS a risk, the die hard San Franciscan will laugh and say out loud that there is nothing to worry about, yet they will gladly talk about how horrible and scary the Loma Prieta earthquake was in 1989. That Shake was 900 times smaller than the earthquake that hit Japan last week.

I went to work Friday looking around downtown and imagining what it would like to have the high rise sway, shake, and fall all around me. As I walked in the downtown center, on the first floor of one such high rise, I was fearfully aware of the tons and tons of building over my head. I buried my mind into my meeting, trying very hard to forget about it and I did. After work though, it came back to me. Why stick around? What is it about San Francisco that makes it worth the risk? I got my answer last weekend.

Saturday I had the day entirely off. My husband and I headed out to Crissy Fields and to Fort Point. I had never visited the place, and we decided it was time to go. The place is so much fun to visit. I'm a fan of history and love old buildings that have a story to tell. Not only that, but the view from the top is just fabulous! It was an absolutely perfect San Francisco day: sunny, crisp but not cold. We enjoyed our visit greatly and then had lunch just outside the Warm Hut Cafe. After eating we hit the beach with Grace (our dog who had to wait outside Fort Point, no dog allowed). We left Crissy field and decided to drop Grace at home and walk around on Clement street, hitting all our favorite spots (mainly Green Apple honestly, BOOKS!).

Sunday we got out again, and went to the Farmers Market at Fort Mason. As we explored the little but fun market, we realized there was a Cafe/Bookstore hidden behind it. Who can resist such a thing?? We went in, had a delicious coffee, talked it up with the lady at the counter, and came back with old books that we were all proud to find.

After the horrors of the Japanese disaster, and the fear it brought to me, this weekend was the perfect San Francisco weekend. It reminded me why we decided to move back to the city, and why we love it so much. Yes there are risk in the Bay Area, as there are risk in Tornado Alley, as there are risk on the Gulf Coast with the hurricanes, or in Canada with the snow/sleet storms. No place in the world is completely disaster proof. Even if there was such a place, what about fire? Traffic accident?

I love San Francisco, it's a beautiful city, with greatly interesting people, where there is always something going on, something to do, something to see. I no longer feel like an alien here, when I think of home, I think of San Francisco. It's MY city, and I am not leaving it as long as I can afford to stay. Yes there is a possibility that an earthquake and/or a tsunami will destroy this city that I love so much, but I choose to think that it will not happen in my lifetime. Since I do not have children to worry about, I'm willing to gamble on it.

I will prepare as I can for a possible disaster, but I will not let fear keep me from enjoying my living here. When that happens, it will be time to move, and I'm not there now.

People of Japan, you are in our thoughts, in our heart. Be strong, you will rise from this. Hopefully we will all learn from this to be better prepared when our turn come.

Loving A "Real Man"

The tragedy of machismo is that a man is never quite man enough.

~Germaine Greer

Valentine's day came and went, and it left me thinking. I absolutely adore my husband; he is my best friend, my support when the going gets tough, my inspiration when I don't feel too confident and the only person in the whole world whom I know I can trust completely. I also have an enormous admiration for him, as a man, and as an artist, I'm very often taken aback and impressed by the depth of his talent, his dedication, and the strength of his character. He never pretends to be something he is not, for the simple reason that who and what he is is enough! This last element is at the core of this little note.

My husband ends up being the butt of a lot of my jokes and stories, and he knows it. People sometimes don't realize that I do tell him when I talk about him, and really he's ok with it. Once one of my members made the comment that, if he was a "Real Man", my husband would "set me straight" when he heard about what I was saying about him. I didn't argue the point, it wasn't worth it at the time, but now, a few years later, I think I would like to.

First I would like to define "Real Man" as I think it's the very center of the whole thing. The stereotypical description of a "Real Man" can be simplified to a rugged looking, over sexed and overbearing bully who rules his house with an iron fist and suffers no confrontations of any kind. He can win a fight with a grizzly bear first thing in the morning, drink 45 beers before climbing on the roof to repair the chimney. A real man is never afraid, never cries, and never gives up.

If that's a "Real Man", my husband certainly is not it... thankfully! Yet, I do believe that he is much more a "Real Man" than those macho chauvinists who obviously feel the need to assert their manhood strongly and regularly.

In the 10+ years that I have known him, I have seen him afraid, I have seen him overwhelmed, I have seen him cry, whine and pretty much anything in between. What does that say about his manhood? He can very well hold his own in any debate, and does not easily back down (Woah! understatement of the year!) but he will debate my position, it wouldn't occur to him to debate my right or ability to debate his. With a bit of practice he can probably hold his liquor, but honestly in a fight with a grizzly bear... well, thankfully I can run faster than he can. HA!

My husband is a "Real Man" because he doesn't feel the need to assert his manhood all the time. He is not afraid to stand his ground, and will not back down when he knows he's right, but he does not feel the need to assert any kind of authority to prove his strength. When I'm feeling strong, he gives me all the space I need to do my thing, he stands by me letting me know how much he believes in me and that he's there whenever my steps falter. He does not feel threatened by being married to a strong willed (ahem... no comment!) woman who's not afraid to voice her opinions (I said no comment!), on the contrary it makes him proud! Don't let his quiet-ness fool you though, he lets me go on and on, that doesn't mean that he always agrees and/or that I always win. how boring would that be??

I have to admit, being married to such a man makes my life that much more enriching and fulfilling. Because I know that he is not threatened by who I am, I feel fully at ease being myself. I never feel like I have to pretend to be anything else but just little ol' me. He makes sure I know that he loves me just as I am, and that he is proud of me and believes in me. In the light of such support and belief in my abilities, it's easier to put myself out there and feel confident doing so. I know that no matter what, at least one person believes in my abilities and my worth. He gives me the space I need to stand on my own two feet and achieve what I set out to do.

He is who he is and I love him all the more for it. A "Real Man" doesn't have such a fragile manhood that he has to asserts it all the time. A "Real Man" can step back and respect loved one's strength and space enough to not be overbearing. A "Real Man" earns and gives love, trust, and respect. A "Real Man" is a man with whom one wants to spend his/her life not because he is perfect, but because he is who he is and does not pretend to be anything else.

Did I mention that a "Real Man" is incredibly sexy? Something to think about guys...

I'm here, I'm here!

“Sitting quietly, doing nothing, spring comes, and the grass grows by itself”

Zen Proverb

Today I did absolutely nothing productive. I think it's the first day in months that I just sit around and do nothing. It's a weird feeling, all morning I was trying to think of something productive to do. I washed my clothes that needs hand washing. Then I started on the kitchen and realized that there was no reason why I HAVE TO be doing something productive. I'm on vacation for the week. Stop already!

I decided to look into my jewelry boxes to see what I had. As I looked through, I found my pentagram necklace. Not only I didn't know where it was, I had forgotten I had it. This has been an anchor to me the last few years, reminding me of how important it is to keep connected to myself, to what's truly important to me.

This is a good image of how things have been lately. It seems that everything that was dear to me was put aside for the sake of speed and productivity. The passing of people who were very dear to me almost went unnoticed as, tired and overwhelmed I didn't dare stop and feel for fear that it would stop me in my tracks. I remember telling my husband: "I don't have time to be sad, there is work to be done." So one by one, things started falling aside.

That is until today when sitting in my living room with nothing to do I realize how wrong this all is. I have no clue where my music went. I think it failed to make the transit from my old laptop to my new one, more than a year ago. I don't remember what jewelry I have, by the time I'm showered, dressed and make-uped, it's more than time to run out, I have a necklace or two that I never really put away and that's about it.

These are trivial things, superficial reminders of what truly is the root of the problem: I have let myself fall at the bottom of the priority list once again. My only saving grace is my husband; always there for me, supportive and loving, reminding me gently that I am not superwoman, that I need to take care of myself. His patience and support are often the only things that keeps me going.

He called from work today, asking what I was up to. When I guiltily admitted that I was doing nothing he just said "Good! I'm glad that you are taking time to do nothing!" How cool is that?

Some women get chocolate for Valentine's day, some women even get diamonds. I have my gift every day and it's so much more than things: I have a lover, a partner, a supporter and a best friend... EVERYDAY.

This week is my week off, I had grand plans to go shopping, to get the apartment organized, to get everything cleaned. I had plans to do a month of work in a week. My husband is taking time off also, and yes we will get some stuff done, but it's a vacation, and I will do what "I" need for "myself". It is no crime, it is not even wrong. Damn it I deserve it!

I have my pentagram hanging from my neck, my husband at my side and I will rest and relax because that's what I need and that's what I want. Now if I can find my MP3 player and download that Eminem song that I like so much...

"I'm about to lose my mind

You've been gone for so long

I'm running out of time

I need a doctor

Call me a doctor

I need a doctor, doctor

To bring me back to life..."

(Eminem, Dr Dre)

It's the holidays again!

Conference call in the middle of my solstice morning

celebration, how representative of my year!

Can you freakin' believe this? It's the holidays again!

Last year at this date I was getting buried in a new job that I knew very little about, and looking forward to a busy year. Ah! I was not kidding about that! It WAS a busy year, also a difficult one at times, but looking back, it was still a good year.

Now looking forward, I'm trying to put together a plan for the coming year. Things have moved so fast in the last 13 months that I sort of lost sight of anything but work really. What are my plans? What do I want? Good questions! I'm not one for New Year Resolutions. "Starting January 1st, I will... Every day!" Naaww, that never works.

I am however a plan maker. There are a few things that I do know: January-February will be busy at work, I just know it; February-March we are planning to move (YAY!) ; I'm planning a trip to Montreal this spring and one home this summer; and finally I would love to finally get my trainer certification.

In a more mundane, day to day view, I want to get my routine back into focus. Cooking everyday and working out regularly are the only way I can keep myself on track. We were doing good with this for a while, and this fall it all fell apart.

Thing is, I know my job now, it's not getting any less busy, but I can manage my time much better (famous last words). I've also learned a valuable lesson this year: You can't do your job well, whatever it is, if you don't learn to put boundaries and to take care of yourself. Now if I want to do everything I've planned to do, I'll have to really put that into practice.

The funny thing is that nobody is putting pressure on me but myself really. I'm the one who takes everything on, and says yes to everything presented to me. Then I feel overwhelmed and end up working 7 days/week to catch up. So this year, my master plan is learn to say no, and manage my time so that I have more time for myself and my personal goals as well as for my husband and critters.

Last year was very challenging professionally, and I think I've proven to myself that I could handle it. It's time to make space for myself and my family. My job is still a big part of my life, if only because I enjoy it so much, but we've come far enough to where it doesn't have to be my whole life.

Here's to a successful and enjoyable year 2011!

Body image and other neuroticities

I'm feeling fat today, I'm not feeling "clinically overweight", or "slightly over sized", I feel FAT. In fact, I've been feeling fat quite a bit lately. Thing is, my weight IS up by 2 lbs, big deal! right? I'm still well within my healthy weight range, and maintaining quite easily, and yet... I feel fat!

Here's where it gets weird: I've been shopping a lot lately, and having a hard time finding clothes that fit. "AH HA!" you tell me, the common "nothing fits me right thus I'm fat" syndrome. Not so, nothing fits because everything is too big. I've been going from store to store and trying on medium sized clothes and being exasperated at how huge clothes have become.

See, it can't be me who's smaller, cause I feel fat, so the clothes are getting bigger. Mind you, until a few days ago I was not really trying on small sized clothes either because I cannot feel this fat and fit in a small size right? So the mediums are getting huge, there's no way I can fit in a small, so whoever makes clothes sizes have no clue what they are doing.

Am I the only one having such thoughts? I've worked hard to lose weight, 70+ lbs, I've maintained my weight loss for well over 7 years now. You'd think that I'd be happy with my body right? When I do voice my concerns I'm rarely met with sympathy to be honest, people see my "small sized" body and think sarcastically "oh booo hoo, you're breaking my heart". Thing is, body image has nothing to do with size. I have felt hot and sexy while being overweight, and I have felt huge and disgusting well below my healthy weight range.

It's interesting to see how prejudice has no weight. When I was overweight, I faced all sort of odd looks and comments from the "naturally thin people" having to do with my over sized body. People could not see beyond how big I was. In many people's mind, I could not be intelligent, strong willed, competent even, and be that big. I had to be weak to let myself get to that point. I was even told that by a few people when looking for a job. That more than anything else fueled my resolve to get myself in shape and prove to the world that they had misread me.

Now that I've won that battle, those people look at me differently, but there's no way they can grasp what it's like learning to live with a new body, to learn to look at yourself in a different light. In a way, I'm still not part of "their world" because in some ways, I feel like a fake thin person. I'm in a sort of twilight zone really. To some I'm a whiny skinny bitch, to others I'm a fake, and impostor. Now I'm very well aware that all that is in my head, that's the whole point, people are not telling me these things, I'm making them up. Again I ask: Am I the only one?

Of course this too shall pass, it's just another fence to cross, but sometimes I wonder if I will ever get completely past this, if one day I will be completely happy with myself and my body. I know that on paper, in numbers, my body is fine. I also know that I'm intelligent, competent, that I am a good wife, and a good friend. I know these things, but some days...

"Be your own best friend"

I'm learning, sometimes I run backward a little bit, but I learn and start forward again. Maybe it'll never be completely resolved, but as long as I'm learning and moving forward, it's worth it. Right?

Sometimes it just doesn't make sense

Today Mom called me out of the blue. I knew something was up and I had a good idea what it was. I listened to the Skype ringing sound for a bit, not really wanting to answer. Finally, knowing that there was no changing what was coming, I answered. My hunch was right on target, my cousin passed away this afternoon after a long battle with brain cancer. We knew it was coming, we knew there was no way to stop it, still...

I understand the whole "it's better that way", the whole "the guy we knew wasn't there anymore". I understand all that. I also have no problem with the concept of death itself, to me it's just a transition to other things. A passage if you will. My problem with the whole thing is simple: it doesn't make sense. Why would a young man, who is generally healthy, likes sports, live a quiet life without bothering anyone would suddenly be hit with brain cancer?

When I was a kid, a counselor at a summer camp I went to nicknamed me "Miss Logique" because I kept taking apart everything he told us and try to make sense of it. I have always felt that things should always make sense, that there is a rational explanation for everything. For that reason, illogical statements or situations need to be pulled apart, understood and corrected if needed.

Through my life I've struggled to make sense of the world around me and the people who live in it. In a general manner I've been successful, but there are still things that just don't make sense, and that bothers me greatly.

No matter how hard I try, I cannot figure out why children get sick. That does not make sense to me. Don't bother giving me God's "Greater plan" story, I don't want to hear it. It's a band-aid we put on an irrational event to keep our mind from flying apart. I don't buy it.

Why would a man like my cousin, a young man, easy going, who never even thought of hurting anyone would die at 39, after countless pain and suffering for him and his family while serial killers and rapist rot in jail perfectly healthy. It just doesn't make any sense.

I'm not talking about those people who get hit by tornadoes every year and stand there wondering why me? Or about that guy that went off to get friendly-friendly with the Grizzly bears and got killed by them. I'm not saying those people asked for it, but they did put themselves in harms way. They took the risk, and well, they lost.

I'm talking about people not doing anything risky, not doing anything wrong, about a 3 years old child fighting leukemia. Why? What can a toddler have done? I'm talking about simple every day people who are just doing their thing and then BOOM. Or the victims of random criminal act, a girl just happening to walk home from 7-11 at night taken behind a school and raped. Why?

Those things don't make sense to me, and because of that, I can not process them, much less accept them. In a way I envy those who can find their solace in religion. It must be great to find an answer that bring sense to all of it. I just can't bring myself to accept that answer.

I guess my next fence to cross is to trade understanding for acceptance. I'm not sure I'm ready for it. In the meantime I will just take a deep breath, and keep on keeping on and hope that one day, somehow, somewhere, everything will be clear.

Have a great journey cousin, say hi to Grandpa for me.

Is the meaning up to you?

"An Ye Harm None, Do What Ye Will"

Religion is a funny thing, it seems to mean different things for different people. The "Word" has been used and abused for centuries to justify all ends, good and not so good. As a student of history, I got to look at the worst that religion could bring to this world. All religions really. The Crusades, the Jihad are the most known, and mentioned atrocities, but how many more are happening out there in the name of religion?

I grew up a Catholic in a very Catholic community. All through my youth, I was taught only of love, greater good, of respect and acceptance. Later learning about the crusades, the intolerance of the Christian "right" and my belief that women should be treated as equal (not honored servants) made me walk away from my parent's faith. For a while I rejected all religions.

In college I discovered Paganism and Wicca. The philosophy seemed very in tuned with my way of looking at the world. The idea of being a solitary practitioner looked like the perfect option to me. I could be completely independent, and celebrate my spirituality exactly as I wanted without being stuck into endless meaningless (to me) rituals. Great! In the years that followed, I realized that I was not a very good Wiccan really. I don't follow the tenet of the religion, my understanding of magic is very different than the "mainstream Wicca". I make my own way, honor the Goddess and the God, but that's about as far as it goes. My rituals are few and greatly simplified. I just don't take myself so seriously, it's just not my thing.

Furthermore, I've found that the Pagan religions have their issues also; poseurs and greedy merchants who will make a fortune by selling you a kitchen knife with a pentagram painted on it.

Drats! Now what?

Thing is I don't think the problem is the religions themselves, I think it's the followers. For exemple, Jesus never said that one should be intolerant, that people should get together and go attack the Middle East, that women should be treated as baby-making machines who get to clean the place between childbirths. Followers interpreted the "Word" to their own liking and used it to justify whatever they felt they needed to justify.

What of the word of "my faith"? the one thing that I try to keep in mind every day of my life is this simple statement:

"An Ye Harm None, Do What Ye Will"

Again, it can mean different things to different people. For some it means "Do whatever you want, and don't let anybody tell you otherwise!" That is not what I believe. To me those words speak of a greater responsibility. It is up to me to choose my course in life, and to make sure that everything I do is thought through so that it doesn't harm anyone including myself. This is a lot of work and a huge responsibility really, I can't turn to a book and say "This is what the book says, it's out of my hands". I'm making my own path, and calling the shots all the time.

"Harming none" is far reaching. I think that it includes making the world around me a better place, because "none" includes people who are, but also people who will be. This planet is old, and still has a long way to go, so I need to see how, in my own little way, I can make it a better place now and in the years to come. It's not only about not making things worse, but seeing how I can make them better. Wait, to make things better, that means I need to treat people fairly, kindly. I need to show respect and love so that everyone can live a better life.

Finally, this "none" includes myself. It is my belief that I have been given a great gift, I'm alive, I've got a body that is strong and healthy and a mind that works (most of the time ;op). It is my responsibility not only to maintain body and mind but to better it. It takes a lot of work, but to fail to do it would be showing a lack of gratitude toward my goddess who gave this gift to me.

You know, this is not that far from what I learned as a kid now is it? Treat everybody with respect and love, make the world a better place, make sure that you are a constructive, positive part of the world around you. Hmmm...

The basics are the same really, it's in the interpretation that things vary. I have chosen my path, because I am more motivated by a sense of duty, than I am by the fear of guilt. The idea of reincarnation makes more sense to me than what I see as sitting on a cloud for eternity admiring god. These are details, differences that really don't mean that much.

The bottom line is to find one's own way toward the "greater good", hopefully that is what we all look for.

Blessed be my friends

Standing Proud

This morning I flew out of San Francisco toward Montreal. My Mom and my big brother were coming there too, and my little brother lives there already. A big get together. Too bad my Dad couldn't make it, but still a fun week in the works!

On the plane this morning I was thinking about that, and about how I was really looking forward to this. It is strange to me because I'm always looking forward to seeing my family. I'm not in California because I ran away, I just happen to live there. I'm close to my brothers even if we don't talk nearly as much as we should, and I have a good time with my parents too. We've worked out the kinks and hositilities of years past and mostly get along. More importantly we've learned to smooth our way past the little frictions that crop up here and there. I think those are part of any family relations really... right?

So why is this time special? Why am I so eager to see them? What's so different?

As a teenager, I was the "problem child", the wild one in the family. My brothers were good little boy and I, well, was a girl, and not always soo good. It didn't help that I sort of lost my way at school for a few years, I didn't quite drop out, but I attended school in body only for a few years. Now that's a nice way to put it!

Finally I decided to straighten up and actually go to school mind and body. I did and succeeded, YAY! Honestly though, my life was sort of a mess. Everytime I visited with my family, there was always a sense that I wasn't quite as "on track" as I should be. It just kept feeling that way too:

After a lot of work, and a few kicks in the behind, I straightened out my life, and finishes my first BA in college. I MADE IT! right? Well... my man was a mess really, and I had a BA, but not much going on other than that.

I enrolled back in college and started over. Graduated again, ended a bad relationship, found a new man (or hefound me? I wasn't looking!), started teaching got married. "OMG did you see yourself? you are huge!"

Lost weight, got healthy, started helping other people with their weight loss. Well that's nice, but aren't you ever going to get a "real job" and what do you mean "no kids" you're not going to have kids? why? No job, no kids, what are you good for?

I've always felt like no matter how much I tried, it wasn't ever enough. Honestly most of those comments wereprobably in my head rather than spoken out loud, though many were strongly hinted at. I'm sure that there will be comments this time around too, but it just doesn't bother me as much anymore. For some reason I realize that I don't deserve them so...

I'm 36 years old, I am not nuclear scientist, but I have a decent full time job that I enjoy and is meaningful to me. My husband and I made the decision not to have kids, and though I'm not saying I never question it, I can assume the weight of that decision. That decision is between him and I, no one else.

We sat down last year and decided what we wanted our life to be and made the changes we needed to make to have the life we chose and you know what? It works!

I am "on track now". On the track that I chose for myself. Dan didn't tell me what to do and where to go, neither did Mom or anyone else. I made my own choices, walked my way toward them, and frankly my life is pretty damn good at this point. I have nothing to hide, nothing to prove so I can look at every member of my family straight in the eye and feel like I'm at least as worthy as any of them.

Let's get playin' and laughin' and shoppin'! That's what we came here for anyway!

Yule Season is Here

I am not an immensely religious person. Generally I follow a pagan philosophy, but I am not very moved by rituals.

I do feel a deep connection to the universe which I represent to myself as The Goddess, but I don't see how dancing naked in the forest makes it more real, or more personal. If it works for you, perfect, it's just not my thing.

As I read and learned about the Wiccan practice, I came across a text that spoke of the power of simply lighting a candle and using it as a focus to clear your mind, and visualize what you want to see happen. The idea being that if you focus all your energy on an outcome, and then take time to clear your mind and think it through, it might just happen.

That is my definition of magic in the spiritual sense of the word. It's also my definition of success when it comes to weight loss, to work, love... see? Forget the bunny coming out of the hat, what I consider to be magic is the power we have as humans to do extraordinary things just by using the resources we all have in ourselves. It's just a matter of focusing that energy all on one point, like a laser if you will.

My life has taken another big turn in 2009. We moved again, we're back in San Francisco, also I'm working regularly. It's a big change and I've been trying to keep everything together while trying to be everywhere at once. Hmmmm, so much for the focus, I needed to ground myself.

This year we brought back a little ritual that I like to do the morning after the longest night of the year. In the following morning, before the sun comes up, I light candles around the living room to welcome the Sun God and help him bring warmth back to the earth.

I've found 2 prayers in "A book of Pagan prayers" by Ceisiwr Serith, (p. 155-156), one for the Goddess, and one for the God, that I think really fits this time of the year.

"How is it that you give birth to everything, Lady,
never once growing infertile?
Even in the cold time, when everything seems dead,
each moment is born after its predecessor
and time goes on: you give birth even in the poverty of winter."


"Around me burn the lights of Yule;
I am filled with their light, renewed by their light.
I pray to you, new Sun, Reborn, O Lord, from the dark"

I hope this season of birth and renewal gives you the focus, the energy, the joy to enter 2010 with gusto, and that you find it to be a happy, successful year filled with love and warmth.

Happy Winter Holidays! Have the most wonderful year 2010!!!!!!!!!

What does it matter?

I’ve been watching a documentary about the science of gender tonight. It’s covering the different gender related issues that are much more common than one might think in the human race. Bottom line being that sexual identity is much more complex than boys and girls. No kidding.

I’m fascinated by the subject. I’m all girl, never doubted that fact. I grew up very much a “tomboy” with 2 brothers and a neighborhood full of boys, but never had any doubt about my gender and my sexual identity. I also have no doubt about my sexual preferences; I am heart and soul a heterosexual. Still I’m fascinated by the different ways humans define themselves and interact with the world.

The problem is that I always end up with the very same frustration: How can the people of this world be so small minded? Why is it still almost in 2010 such a bit moral issue to be homosexual? To be a transgender? Why would anyone care about who sleeps with whom? Who marries whom? Who has kids?

My Mom once said that she wouldn’t mind if one of her boys were gay, but that she would be sad knowing what he would have to live with. At first I thought that was a weird way to look at it. Now I think I know what she meant. It’s not about it being a bad thing, but it’s about having to live in a world that doesn’t quite get it yet. What the world is waiting for to catch up is beyond me.

I don’t care who you sleep with. I don’t. Whether you’re a politician, a friend of mine, my boss, my banker… I really don’t care.

If you’re a politician, a coworker, my banker, here’s my question: Are you competent at what you do? That’s all I care about. If you’re doing a good honest job, then I’m all good. I don’t care if you’re straight or gay, a cheater, or a model of monogamy, not my problem! I still smile when I think about the Lewinsky affair with Bill Clinton. Who cares? He’s the president, not my husband. If my husband cheats on me, then I’ll get into it, the President? Not my business, I’m sure Hilary can handle it.

If you are a friend of mine, a member of my family I have 2 questions: Are you a good honest friend? And more importantly: Are you happy? Is your relationship fulfilling mentally, emotionally, and physically? Yeah, then it’s all good by me. If not, we can go and have ice cream and bitch about life partners together. I’m good at that! ;op

Now the other thing that drives me insane: How does it make me less married if a gay couple gets married? I just simply don’t get it. I just don’t! My favorite excuse is “being married is to have children; gay people can’t procreate so there”. Ok, so my husband and I decided not to have kids. Maybe we shouldn’t be married?

What of gay/lesbian couple who decide to adopt? Then can they get married? What about heterosexual couples who can’t have kids and go through all those fertility treatments? Isn’t that “unnatural” too? Then they get 8-10 kids and get a TV show. That’s god’s will?

The whole thing completely confuses me. I don’t get how so many people have a say on who I sleep with, what I can do with my life, what I can do with my body. You don’t approve of abortion? Don’t have one. There you go. Yet those are the same people who are against the Health reform because it’s the government meddling in people’s life.

Maybe if everybody spent less time scrutinizing other people’s life and paid attention to their own life would be much easier for everybody. Maybe…

It's Thanksgiving!

Let us be grateful to people who make us happy;
they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.
Marcel Proust

Today is Thanksgiving! Thousands of people will eat and drink themselves into insensibility, and gather funny stories (and tons of dishes) for the weeks to come. We are keeping a low profile ourselves. Just the two of us, after a few weeks of madness, we are just taking a day of R&R. No turkey in this place today!

I got to think a lot lately about Thanksgiving and what it really means. If you ask the average American, more often than not the answer you get is “it’s turkey day”, or “it’s all about the food!” It’s not called “Foodgiving” though, it’s called Thanksgiving. Thanks for the bounty for sure, but what else? What are you thankful for?

This morning we sat down and shared what we were thankful for. We did cover the usual but so important fact that both our families are happy, mostly healthy and that we still have those we love around us. They are far away, but they are always with us. This fall his mom visited us and it was the most beautiful thing to see her so happy to discover “our world”.

We have each others. After about 2 years of struggling to get our lives, and our finances under control, we have come out of it stronger, closer together. We could have drifted apart, that happens to too many couples, but we didn’t, we closed ranks. That “we’re in this together” attitude that we’ve had since we first got together is what keeps me, and him I’m sure, going when things get a little rough.

I’m grateful on the work front also, for both of us. My husband had a period where work was a little bit of a challenge. Things weren’t as exciting as he would have wanted them to be, and to be honest work was more a way to pay the bills than something he was looking forward to. This year is completely different. He’s excited with what he’s working on, he’s proud of his work and he’s feeling appreciated. The change is being reflected in everything he does. I’m not saying that there aren’t mornings when he’d rather sleep in, but it’s so wonderful to know that he’s happy at work again.

On my part it’s even better! After 2 years of struggling and feeling like I would never get anywhere, I’m finally making huge steps forward. For the first time in a long time I’m feeling competent and ready to face the world. I’ve got something to look ahead to, I’m working fairly consistently, and I’m busy enough that I don’t spend time on the couch wondering what the hell I should do now.

I have taken on more responsibilities, and I feel able to handle them. I am inspired, motivated, and I feel like finally I can do my little part to improve things around me. All that with still enough flexibility to do my thing, work out, cook, and do all those things that I love doing. What else can I ask for?

Finally I think that the one thing I’m most grateful for is our decision to move back to San Francisco. Things are moving here. I’m the kind of person who functions better under pressure. Here if you don’t keep up, you will be left behind in a hurry, that kind of environment suits me. In Sonoma County I could spend days without seeing anyone. If I wasn’t working, I had nowhere to go really. Here I’m always out and about, meeting new people, doing new things. If nothing else people watching is awesome in San Francisco. You never run out of weirdoes. AH!

We are healthy. After years of not taking very good care of ourselves we only had to straighten ourselves up and our body responded wonderfully. That in itself is huge. I am deeply grateful for that. More than anything though, I’m grateful for the fact that we are a little happier everyday. Life is good and I am grateful for that.

Happy Thanksgiving everybody!

Am I over it yet?

Last Thursday I went to work and then took off to go shopping at Tanforan in San Bruno. All day I went from freezing to being too hot and sweaty. I figured out early on that wearing my polyurethane jacket maybe wasn’t the best choice and tried to endure it.

Friday I had a scratchy throat. Oh no, not getting sick, I don’t have time, I have a week 2 tomorrow, a week 1 a health fair and a party. No time to get sick.

Saturday morning, you’d have thought I had been run over by a truck, then a train, then a plane… Awful.

Fast forward to Tuesday, I finally can get up and stand for more than 15 minutes without falling over. My husband calls from work, he’s coming home, he’s sick. Great, I can barely walk, and I’ve got to take over as caretaker. The truck (and the train, and the plane) got him now!

Friday I was able to drive to the beach, take the dog out so she could run. So I'm there, throwing a stick a few times she ran for it and dove at it as usual, but the last time she gave this really loud yelp. After that she just sat her leg in the air, absolutely refusing to move. I went to touch her leg and she kind of backed off without getting up.

All I could think about was that either she had torn something, or dislocated her hip. Either way, I was exhausted already, far away from the car and scared to death. I forced Grace up. She would limp without even flexing her paw, just letting it drag. Oh no, nerve damage...

I was almost in tears, but then she saw a puppy coming her way. She took off. She was limping a little, but barely... Thanks for the scare! I dropped her at home, went to the store and that was my day. I was worn off from this little activity.

Finally Saturday I was able to vacuum the floors, clean the windows, and cook dinner. Today I cooked again and cleaned some more. More importantly, today I felt like me again!

This morning I played some piano. The sun was shining, the sky was beautiful. My piano sits right by the window and I could watch the sky, the birds, and just get lost in my Christmas songs. I even let my husband listen to me a little!

Tomorrow I’m going back to work, I’m not 100%, but I’m good to go. I can’t remember the last time a flu hit me this hard. I couldn’t think, I couldn’t move, I didn’t have the energy to even do the simplest things. Hopefully I’m done and over with it, but take my advice, don’t catch this one!!